Shattering Illusions and Shaping Intimacy: A Vision for Couples and Families

We all have dreams and expectations regarding our roles in our communities. For some, spouse and/or parent will be among those roles. Whether we realize it or not, we each come to these roles with a script that shapes our behavior and our expectations of the behavior of others. Our scripts often include what it means to be a good mother or father, wife or husband, daughter or son, and how we think our spouse, parents, and children should treat us. If we are not careful, these scripts can become rigid and prevent true belonging.

We must begin to shed the false dreams and expectations in the scripts for ourselves and our loved ones to live in the full truth of who we are in Christ. This form of truth-telling involves embracing disillusionment.

We must release the illusion that if we are perfect, we can earn the love of our spouse, parents, or children.

Once we shatter our unrealistic expectations for ourselves and our loved ones, how do we pick up the pieces and foster true intimacy? We experience intimacy when we truly know someone and are truly known by that person. To truly know someone, we must see them as they are, not how we wish they would be. We must also allow them to see us as we truly are, not as we wish we could be (Thompson, 2015).¹

Here are a few practical steps to embody healthy vulnerability and intimacy courageously. First, when you make a mistake and/or wrong someone else, take note of the emotions and physical sensations that occur within you. Do you have an urge to run away? To vehemently deny that you are in error? To shift blame onto someone else? When you feel these things, take a breath and say, “I was wrong when I _____.” Next, allow the other person to share how your mistake impacted them. Resist the urge to minimize, rationalize, or defend your actions. Resist the urge to insist that others live up to your standards.

Intimate vulnerability is not limited to situations where a wrong has been done. To help you feel more comfortable sharing your inner thoughts and emotions, create a rhythm of expressing your delights and desires to loved ones. Notice what it feels like to be responsive to your loved one and have them be responsive in return. Notice the joy that comes from engaging in mutual delight in the everyday gifts from the Lord.

Perhaps these recommendations feel rudimentary. Indeed, they are meant to provide a foundation on which to build deeper intimacy. If there has been a significant rupture in the fabric of your relationship, more will likely need to be done to restore that relationship. However, practicing this courageous attunement with a safe person is both healing and protective. So many of us never had the experience of having a parent or other loved one vulnerably admit wrongdoing and listen to us without excusing their own actions.

Through our openness, perhaps our children and our spouses can flourish without the weight of perfectionism. By embracing the disillusionment of shattered hopes for the ideal marriage and family, we can join with the rest of the Christian community as we are all “being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by His Spirit” (Ephesians 2:22).²

1 Thompson, C. (2015). The Soul of Shame: Retelling the Stories We Believe about Ourselves. InterVarsity Press.

2 New International Version. (2011). Biblica, Inc.